This weekend we had to say goodbye to our darling family dog. It was awful, the worst decision we have ever had to make. Our dear pet, Hannah, has been a true and loyal companion for eleven years. Our daughters have only known a life with her in it. She slept at their feet, watched them as they play, guarded our home.
Then on Wednesday night our whole life changed. Hannah had a seizure, suddenly and violently. She was perfectly healthy acting during the day. There were no signs of this to come. Even when she went to the Vet Hospital they were stumped, she was an otherwise healthy dog. But the seizures wouldn’t stop, they had taken over her body.
She finally suffered far to much and it became clear that she wouldn’t, couldn’t rebound from all her body had endured. And we had to choose to put her to sleep. She laid in my Husbands arms as she took her last breaths. When it was done, we cried. Well more accurately we cried for days prior and are still shedding the occasional tear.
What amazed me, was the amount and the depths of my grief for this lovely animal. Because after all, it wasn’t as if I was morning the loss of a child, just a pet. Just a pet. A pet that was with me during bed rest, when up late nursing my children, while gardening, and walking. A pet who protected my daughters, who was gentle and friendly. A pet who would chase her own tail and make me laugh.
I never want another pet.
I never want to feel so sad. It feels as though I have a phantom limb. I expect to see her curled up on her chair sleeping, or waiting outside our bedroom door to be let out in the morning. We put away her bowls, bed and food. We have talked about her not suffering anymore, we have made arrangements to bring her home to be buried here. They will make little ceramic paw prints for us to remember her by. But how do you say goodbye?
A friend suggested a lovely poem, The Rainbow Bridge. It was nice. My 6 year old, full of wisdom said she knew Hannah was in heaven playing with Jesus and other little girls that had to go there too. How comforting, that our humble dog is playing catch with Jesus. I don’t know any of that for sure, but I do know that I miss her terribly.
I just don’t know how to really say goodbye. How to close the chapter on her life with us. What days will like without Hannah there, barking at birds and cars, laying gently at our feet while we relax. But I do know that her memory will always be available, that the hole in our hearts will start to feel less gaping…that probably we will decide to get a new dog to be part of our family.
